VOICES
A collection of poems reflecting women’s stories of loss, hope, love and discovery. Thank you to each of the women who let me collect their voices to sing this collective song…
Of the creative.
This bus is so still
Yet wild with breeze
Flashes of cars passing by outside
So many faces around me
Smiling, laughing, squealing with joy
But I can’t seem to crush the sorrow inside
How can I be surrounded
Yet feel so alone?
How can the voice inside me
Really be my own?
My face they know
But my heart even I don’t
Feel or know its depths
I don’t know I’m worth that yet
So I keep on in silence
Wanting connection but every bone
In my frail body fights it
Why do I feel so alone?
The answer is simple
I must put it all on the line
The safety I feel in silence
Must be forfeited to find what I love
To believe in others
I must believe in her
The one whose body I inhabit
I must find companion with her first
That the melody inside
Could become my own
And go outside
To connect me to others
Whose voices long to be heard
Yet here I sit not uttering a word
I resolve to be the most real me
Because lonely is not a worthwhile
Price for security
So I’ll let her come out
And sing the lonely away
For all the world to see the truly
Beautiful, wholly connected me
Of love.
A full puzzle
The kind where all the pieces make sense
That’s what our love was.
Finally
So much heartbreak and loss
But with the winding road
Ending with you
The pieces made sense.
But the wind came
The pieces flew apart
Then fire
And rain
And soon nothing left of our heart.
Of grief.
Seated
Safe
Secure
Enclosed in your hands
So strong they were
Holding me tight yet tender
I was so young, but I still remember
Now that you’re gone
Where do I go to find that sense of peace?
Can I still be just as safe
If you’re no longer here to hold me?
And now I’m in a sea of grief
Like waves it flows and moves along
Sometimes in a trough I find relief
This rhythm is a melody that puts my life to song
Other times it holds me captive
Longing to be back in that moment
But then I sit back, passive
And realize it’s not that far off
That moment connects us through time
Where I’m forever young
Your safety, your security is now mine.
Of brokenness.
Driving the street block
Of Sevier park
A cancelled flight and a popsicle
Walking arm and arm
The promises we made each other
Never quite complete
Three sides of the square
Frame the missing piece
Promises we fought for
I fought for you
And what we have to show for it?
An incomplete frame
Displaying what could have been
A broken me and you .
Of desperation.
I ran until my feet bled
Slammed my body
Into locked doors
I asked others for help
Screamed my point of view
And let my heart melt on the floor
Because it wasn’t my fault
There was nothing I could do at all
As it flew away I stood and watched
And yelled in silence at the windowed wall
I stayed by your side
At your every beckoning call
And stood there still as you would flee
I rehearsed all the lines
Read every help book I could find
To try to bring you back to me
Because I knew it wasn’t your fault
Life fights with lies and attacks
And though I know that confidently now
There’s still nothing I wouldn’t do to bring you back
I prayed until my knees turned blue
Wagered with God
Questioned His ability to take care of you
Time and time He proved again
He’s the Great Provider
And He cares for you more than I do
I know it wasn’t His fault
This world was never meant to be this way
And though He lets us scream and cry
He will never once turn His face away
Of the healing.
Each week a different flavor
Give me the next one in the line
Meals and flowers to win me over
Couldn’t love them if I tried
The only thing I’m here for
Is the glimmers of you in their eyes
And when the bubble bursts
And you’re still gone
I’ve long since said goodbye
They say time heals wounds
And though the small time it’s been
I’ve healed the way you taught me
Spending my nights making mice of men
Of the abused.
I’m so frustrated by you
By the bubble of mine you burst
By your invitation that felt so rehearsed
He shouldn’t have left you
But he did
He shouldn’t have touched you
But he did
He shouldn’t have invited you there
He shouldn’t have blemished you there
But he did.
Right and wrong don’t matter when
I'm left here wondering how this happened to me again?
You’re a sick, sick girl
Who likes being broken and used
But when they formed my world
How can I see I’m being battered and bruised?
I love to give
And all I did was wanted to please you
Protect you, help you
But there’s nothing left for me
Than the wreckage
Of the world we made
And somehow I carry the blame.
Of the recovering.
The lonely let me love myself
The heartache taught me peace
Your leaving though it hurt like hell
Taught me for the first time how to breathe
But the spaces where you used to be
Still ache without you there
And though they took our bench
I think our love still haunts the air
I'm better than I was before
I've seen the purpose of the hurt
But now that I'm back to health
Why have you still left me here by myself?
Of the hopeful.
I’ve been back
Touched each brick
Smiled at the place that we first met
I’ve been back to our old friends
Laughed through memories
Even made new ones again
I even walked back
Into our favorite midnight place
Sat on our old bench
Talked back through our early days
And while the tears still come
And hard times write their songs
I’ve started smiling again
Gaining back some weight and strength again
Dancing, hoping, dreaming again
I’ve come back to myself
But where are you?
I’ve sat back down
On our favorite church pew
Where we talked to our Best Friend
I’ve been back
Through all the same old prayers
Praying that I could still hold you
Praising God I even got to know you
And while my doubts still flood
And faith squeezes my begging hands numb
I’ve started hoping again
Knowing that He can heal and create new stories again
Writing, singing, believing again
I’ve come back to myself
But where are you?
I look back at our old faces
And wish I could warn them of the pieces
That they’d tear their worlds into
But part of me thinks they knew
Maybe better than we do now
That love is worth risking it all
Worth the pain the heart feels somehow
And while the throbbing hasn’t stopped
And I often wonder what it’s all for
I’ve started walking forward again
Trusting without seeing again
Loving, risking, and living again
I’ve come back to myself
But where are you?
Of Truth.
For the moments when
You want to give up
When he walks away
When she doesn’t show up
When you leave the water
Running till the skin burns off
Because fears are dismissed
With a laugh and a scoff
My eyes lock on the reflection
Of the One who was left behind
The One who died
"I choose you.
They may not have stayed.
But I always will.
You I will never leave behind."